SOM RESTA OCH NEDLAGDA SKRANK

January 18, 2015 by 1 SIGFRIDSSON

En vindvarg vaktar blodet. Framställer ostörda vidder. Inhämtar, granskar häpet överblivna molnen som aldrig kan räknas in bland molnen då vi aldrig regnade…

Natten, lade själv ner djupt mörka skuggor över denna skog. Finner mig uppsökt av stött och naggat, av ett omvänt slocknat ljus som bara önskade brinna.

Det var ändå en fin storm för Bitterheten…

Har lämnat alla som älskar mig. Själv älskar jag ingen. Behöver inte lida mer.

Har lagt mynt under mellanstora, och en del mindre stenar, under en hel Sommar och gav därmed griller till de som på den tiden råkade sparka undan en av dessa stenar. De har fått en tanke kvar att bäras, ett livslångt letande, ett sökande inunder, ett mysterium så svårlösligt och djupt… Vad döljer sig runtom i det insomnade gräset? Själv? Finner mig bara insekter numera…

Men lugn, minns när vi vidrörde mjukaste bergssnön i en av våra andra hemstäder och i ren trots inbränner oss minnet en plötsligt återfunnen och svårslaget stilig Höst. Vi njöt kortvarigt, eller snarare ännu mer sällan, eller kanske aldrig tillsammans med något slags närvarande i nuet. Allt vi hade var minnen att vandra genom och ingenting annat runt oss liknade oss. Eller, ville ens ha den goda smaken att likna oss… Dumheten var modern. Som just då och nu…

Dessa återblickar, övertydligt naknat, ännu en krossad tomhet har kallnat med inåtvända trädan ― kvarlämnat.

Passerar kastanjeträden nere vid ån. I minnet från en älskad och högst oälskad hemstad så gav de lite livslust och färger till mig med sina stora bruna nötter att längta efter att trampa sönder och samtidigt kunna beundra för sin skönhet… Dessa träd, i sin närmast majestätiska storhet för ett barn, var speciellt här i en fin samklang efter ihållande regn och lämnande oss ett forsande brus. (Jag är en stor beundrare av syftningsfel.) På andra sidan gatan föll sedan istapparna hårt ner och platsen avgränsades med packtejp och myndiga ord om att akta sig noga. Det hela låg kvar i osynligt minne så länge att många undvek att gå just där i åratal…

Det förflutna är ett ömsesidigt sällsamt, oftast ett livslångt tunnsått om vi nu önskar se det så tydligt. Kanske allra helst bara ännu ett bortdunstat liv? Vi förblir dröjande vid dessa aningslöst samlade och harmlösa haltlösheters tomheter, utan att kunna väcka varandra.

Upphämtade, övernärde skymtarna av inre frid, harmoni och starten till ett påtänkt leende. Glädjen sällsynt, om ens då tillräcklig…

Stelnar, framför ett oacceptabelt och orimligt. Lönnmördade kvarlevor dansar stelt med tomma blickar. De var dyrt lovade att få döden för sina kroppars värk, sina utsatta övergrepp, lönerna för smutsiga piskornas bett, sina liv lagda köldslaget i lögner och ruttenhet. Ha tålamod, säger de som vill dra ner och ta bort så de inbillat kan få mer av all smutsen. Fastheten kantrar vid minsta blick inne i denna nu barlagda last…

Alla ogrumlade sorgerna är druckna.

Det stundar; knyter fast stenar på brutna ryggarna. Se så jag imiterar…

Men, Våren kommer.

SOM RESTA OCH NEDLAGDA SKRANK

A QUALITY REALITY GIVES LIFE.

January 6, 2015 by 1 SIGFRIDSSON

I have no happiness to report. Do you have any?

Sitting around and listening to garbage music in order to block away thoughts and issues so I can focus and function. (In order to block away my neighbours noise…) I guess that junk-music is my forced upon drug of choice again, for a while. Interestingly enough I have been fully aware of junk-culture for two decades now and why it works so well in this currently deranged world. It drugs down problems and takes down the ability to concentrate and leave very little time over to find and grasp reality as it is.

Escapism, as it is most commonly called, be it by reading dumb books, watching TV, or searching on the internet, playing games, talking nonsense or making useless plans, walking around in nightlife, listening to music made by morons… Whatever. It is all the same useless dead nothing inside nothingness.

These people, myself at times faking it to be included in this for observance, are in this world thinking that we cannot face any higher quality in life, or be anywhere near any higher Reality. These people are living in what seem to exist for their identities, not seeing anything other than their “peers” fully occupied with being moronic. What you will consume you will somewhat become, to others gain and amusement… And that is how it is… Well, things can only change if you change into yourself first and finally. The world around us is trapped in a grand Illusion about how “the others” are and what kind of behaviour is accepted. We can get shaped by our “peers” into copying fake and worthless identities.

WHY?

Creativity… What a joke. To produce crap might be set on top of consuming crap to some. I am in doubt. No, I’m not in doubt. It is a little better to stay a passive consumer than produce junk-culture.

None of the Gods has produced more than what any human or animal can produce, semen passing on to become blood, and what we all can produce sitting in our toilets. Sadly, that is all of us, these “products”. That is the negative aspect to life down in its sad state. Then, on the positive side, we can start to try taking ourselves more seriously and see what the Gods and humanity has achieved so far. There is a tendency among many to take things for granted, but nothing is for free, you’ve heard it before, now see it in all of Life.

I really have had some serious problems in my past that stemmed from causes I was made unaware of, some of it I was a little aware of and readily avoided to confront as long as it was possible to look away from. To never stop and think as I would crash and burn, or so I thought… I felt the pain of reality as soon as I touched it. Not understanding that freedom from pain was in there to find.

A had a lie of a life for over a decade. (I had some forced upon reasons.) We all have our reasons for failing in life and these reasons must come to a point where they can’t work to hide behind. You know, I reached my peak to no good use at all around fifteen years ago and now I have nothing at all to show from that period. Now I’ve made my current life so I can have more free time on my hands, with writing this and other things you really want. Still, I would be much happier personally with living another kind of life without stress… I have always lived for others somehow. (That is one thing that I will have to change, or maybe not in this period of time… At least feeling sorry for others will never again be mistaken by me as any kind of love. That I will live for others for the rest of this life cannot really be changed; if we are speaking about my Knowledge to be spread for the good. Still, personally I do deserve more and better. I’m one of the few that actually does… Believe it or not.

I would much rather give than take. Anyway, there is nothing in this world that I really want. Nothing is good enough out there in our foes Illusion. Nor do I find the beauty I want in people that others are forcing themselves to imagine exist. I do find beauty here and there, but I will never lie to myself in order to survive, I have real things to live for… I am not really depressed either. Tired and low on energy and will at times, that is true.

SO WHAT?

Well, the mind is very simple and we can try to live on the good moments we’ve had or pick out the less good. Either way, it is not our choice to have personal opinions as Reality is set above us all and what we think does not really matter there, especially if we are to live outside this fact. I want the Knowledge first so that free will can give everyone a life in Reality. And while I’m at it I will add some real gladness to it all. I wish you the best. Most of you…

QUALITY LIFE?

RAMBLINGS (NEW YEAR ADVANCE SESSION)

November 30, 2014 by 1 SIGFRIDSSON

This world is a migraine attack. I, it is always I, get it now…

I sit in this forest night and day, caught counting falling leaves that wish for me to stay. These mountains no longer whisper me as ravens. I have no fear to fear. Finally, the sorrows have eaten too many meals on my behalf.

I know my futures and I have seen my paths; the choices of somethings and nothings that can never become enough for me. For others all that could be looked upon as “experiences”; all these living nightmares in those dead hearts that need perfume while looking into buying another meagre meal ticket in a deranged world. The unwanted are living the Illusion to trade with the other unwanted and useless. Laugh or cry?

I really had a horrible year. Again. Set-up some scum and made no friends. Again. Travelled to where I didn’t want to travel. Again. Rehearsed a play that never will see the light. Set fire to manuscripts that will never see the light. Read in some of my older poetry. Wrote a little that maybe will see the light. By now you can clearly see that I am this miserable person without any life at all. That is partly right. My life is playing the waiting game. I know my days to come and what will await me. I should feel hate and love and all the other things that make me shine so very brightly, still I do know that the quality of my life is about a million times higher than the average person due to Knowledge, but the downsides my friends, due to those “other people”…

I irritate “other people” sometimes by having no interest and absolutely no respect for whatever they do and whatever they foolishly believe they are. If not with The Gods then you are less than nothing. Should I have hatred or pity for “other people”? I take my pick later on.

Anyway, being “Asatru” in a world where so many are held under siege in the War of all Wars that they are quite clueless about; Life itself and its Realities, is of course a strain to live through. In the future nobody will be able to imagine how life was here at present… I have written several articles on these matters that I never published, apart from one that was up for a short while, and some only spread around and looked at by some people I have, or had, contact with. It is a waiting game. Time that is.

Time.